I just left a party in order to have time to write a blog post before midnight. That is probably a good indication that this project has become quite important to me. Or maybe the blog post was simply an excuse for me to leave the party because I wouldn't admit to myself that I was tired and not at all in the mood for huge social gatherings with lots of talkative people.
It hasn't been a surprise to me that the project of writing the daily blogs has affected my overall mood. As I return to my problematic experiences with alcohol day after day, I also have to continuously reactivate the emotional repertoire that make up the relationship that I have established with alcoholism and drunkenness. I have been doing this project for about twenty days now and it is so much more challenging and demanding than I had anticipated. It is challenging to keep thinking about my problematic relationship to alcohol even though I am completely convinced that it will end up doing me a lot of good. But I really don’t want to keep thinking about these things because by doing so I feel that my thoughts get strapped to one glum idea that I will never be able to get rid off. And it is demanding because I have to write one blog post every day. I usually start in the morning to think about what to put in the blog and during the day I will write down a list of ideas and reflections that I will use as template for doing the actual blog post later in the late afternoon. Or just before midnight.
While it hasn’t surprised me that the project of writing the daily blog posts has affected my overall mood, I really wasn’t expecting the massive effect it has had on the way I react to large social gatherings. Usually I just want to leave as soon as possible.
I was actually looking forward to today’s party. It is a yearly event with a lot of really nice people that I care about and with whom I enjoy hanging out. But as the moment got closer for when I had to go to the party, I got more and more irritated and annoyed without really knowing the reason why. It was only later that I realised that I was actually not at all comfortable going to the party. I was nervous about meeting people, about having to produce an up-beat version of myself. And about talking about my situation. I didn’t want to talk about why I quit drinking alcohol. Or any other thing, for that matter. I just wanted to stay at home and not do anything. Other than write a blog post before midnight, of course.