When my voice isn't mine

It requires planning to find time to write these blog posts on a daily basis. That is probably not surprising to anyone. I would imagine that one hour of writing blog posts is an activity that fits awkwardly into the daily schedule of most people. But it is also the first time ever that I have prioritised this kind of introspective meditation as a daily activity. And that does actually surprise me. Why haven’t I spent time thinking about these things before? I mean, obviously, I have thought quite a lot about my problematic relationship to alcohol. But every time I have been thinking about drunkenness and alcohol, I have returned to the same cycle of thoughts over and over again. Almost as if I was trying to figure it all out at once and, then, when I realised that it wasn’t possible, the thought would drift away but only to return with a vengeance the next time I was suffering from severe post-drunkenness anxiety. Hangover, I think it is called.

Several years ago, I tried talking to myself and discovered that the voice I was hearing wasn’t mine. I had been working too much for too long and my body was preparing to rebel. I wasn’t sleeping, I was moody and I had built up zero tolerance for what I took to be insignificant chatter. Such as introspective meditation. So I tried talking out loud to myself as a way of figuring out what was going on. The conversation was brief. After saying only a few words to myself, I realised that I couldn’t recognise the voice as my own. It felt as if I was trying to say something intimate to a person that I didn’t want to speak to. I guess that counts as lying.

Writing these blog posts is a way for me to continue a conversation with myself without having to listen to my own voice. For now, it is the maximum degree of introspective meditation that I can manage. I really do try to formulate my thoughts as clearly and precisely as I can. But I also know that there are things that I simply cannot put into writing. Let alone say to myself. I think that right now I am capable of writing down only those thoughts and reflections that I feel might be at least potentially interesting for others to read. Maybe that makes the project less ambitious. But I simply cannot force myself to write down stuff that I feel is excessively self-indulgent. Even if those thoughts and reflections may be more true to what I feel at a given moment.


The End is near!

I am tired