For the last week I have been really exhausted. Maybe it is because of the work that goes into writing the blog posts. I spend at least one hour every day writing the blog posts and then I continue doing light revisions during the night. Often two to three times. Apparently it is impossible for me to leave the text alone unless I feel that the daily blog post constitutes a finished product. That wasn’t really the idea with the blog to begin with.
Yesterday I met with some people to discuss a possible collective research project. I knew beforehand that one of the people was there to decide whether I was the appropriate collaborator. So I was hard at work trying to convince him that I am a sufficiently interesting person with whom exciting research projects can me made. On my way to the meeting, I noticed how exhausted and tired I was. And not at all ready to activate the resources necessary for convincing anybody about anything. But as soon as I entered the meeting room, the situation changed and I did everything that was required of me. I was extremely conscious about not colonising the room completely while still making clear what he would gain by inrolling me in this research project. While I was sitting at the table nodding away, I had a parallel line of thoughts going where I was constantly trying to sense what I actually felt about being there. And I noticed that I really didn’t know that. In that moment I was so completely caught up in delivering what was expected of me.
Dinner was served halfway through the meeting. The waiter asked if I wanted a glass of wine and I responded that I only wanted a glass of coke. Actually I would have preferred a coke zero but I couldn’t get myself to call the waiter back. The colleague I was with asked me why I didn’t want a glass of wine. I told him that I had to stay awake and clear-headed for many hours still. I simply couldn’t get myself to explain the whole ‘I have stopped drinking alcohol altogether’ even though noone else were listening to our conversation at the point. But maybe that is actually ok. I cannot dominate every conversation with my sobriety story. I decided instead that I would call him up after the meeting to tell him what the situation is. But I didn’t do that.