Tomorrow it has been a month since I was last drunk. That means that, in two days, I reach the one month mark for my last serious hangover. That day I woke up anxious and stressed out and feeling really, really shitty about myself. But it is becoming increasingly difficult for me to remember exactly what that felt like. During the last month I have been at numerous social events where I would normally drink wine and beer and probably get seriously drunk before stumbling to bed several hours before everybody else. But I have been completely sober. And therefore I have woken up the morning after each social event without having to experience the awkward bodily sensation that tells me that everything in the world is wrong. When it happens, it feels like a major crisis is about to occur but its cause and probable implications are completely unclear to me. Not to mention the pounding headache that makes it virtually impossible to hold any coherent thought together.
I am still stressed out about participating in social events and I am generally quite exhausted after only a few hours with other people. But I am slowly getting more comfortable not drinking alcohol at parties and social event and I find that I spend less time worrying about how to survive chatting with people who get increasingly drunk while I stay completely sober. I think that because I haven’t been drunk for almost a month, it is becoming more difficult for me to recall what post-drunkenness anxiety and depression really feels like. And that worries me a bit. Because I don’t want to forget how stressed and anxious I get from drinking alcohol.
This weekend we play music with friends at our house. We have done this many times before and it is something that we really love doing. For two days we don’t do anything else except playing music and hanging out with friends that we really care about. Usually we end the day by sitting around our dinner table talking and drinking wine. And I get drunk. But not this weekend. And so far that hasn’t bothered me at all. Of course I have thought about alcohol a few times today but it hasn’t been a problem. And for whatever reason, that worries me. I should probably just be happy that I am not so caught up in my own thoughts about my problematic relationship to alcohol but I am more concerned that I am halfway towards convincing myself that I no longer have a problem with alcohol. I have done that before and I really don’t want that to happen again. Because then I start to consider whether it actually is a problem and what might happen if I start drinking alcohol again in a more controlled way. I should probably just focus on playing music.