For the last ten days I have been writing blog posts and uploaded them to the website. The process has been surprisingly therapeutic. I initially intended to do this mainly as a way to maintain my focus on the project of not drinking and not digressing into a morass of contradictory explanations for why I should start consuming alcohol again. But there is something about writing up my own thoughts that give a particular kind of clarity to my feelings. Especially the meditative repetition of my main mantra: I have a problem with alcohol! I have a problem with alcohol… When I write about it, ‘The Problem’ becomes something I can look at from a distance; something I can observe and think about, register and reflect on – but without ‘The Problem’ being a dark and bottomless abyss of half-formulated thoughts and anxious sensations that I cannot really capture other than as feelings of inferiority and self-doubt. By writing blog posts about ‘The Problem’ to myself, I have been in control of the process.
Starting today, I guess the situation is a bit different. Yesterday I posted a Facebook update about the blog. Here is the text: “Friends! I've made a blog about quitting alcohol. It's pretty honest so it might not be for everyone. But if statistics are accurate, most of you know someone, who might benefit from reading the blog. You could consider forwarding the link to them”. For the last couple of days I have been thinking about whether to make an update about the blog or not. Initially I really only wanted the website to serve the purpose of keeping my focus on the project. But that was not the reason why I didn’t post an update. I guess I was afraid of completely collapsing the distance between myself and the world. There is a certain comfort in knowing that my inner chaos is my own. That I can maintain some distance between what goes on inside my head and what goes on in the world around me by constantly reproducing the version of me that people want. Or that I think people want.
But yesterday I decided to post the update about the blog. A friend convinced me that there are probably others in situations not unlike my own that will find use in the blog posts. I haven’t really been able to focus on my work since then. The reponse to the update has been quite massive and I am a bit exhausted now. I am not really sure what the effects of the update will be but I guess I have to find a way of accepting that the distance between myself and the world has changed. The inner chaos is also out there for others to see. I am sure it is both therapeutic and healing but right now it is also just a bit overwhelming.