Today was a good day

I am not sure if I believe that the idea of ‘one day at a time’ is the right approach for quitting alcohol. To me, the idea of ‘one day at a time’ seems to suggests that each day should be considered the same. And as time goes by, there will be enough days to build a new emotional scaffold of that can withstand the tensions and challenges of living a life of sobriety in a world floating on alcohol. I am not really that good at stacking my days on top of each other. Some are shorter than a sigh and disappear before they are registered as anything but a brief pause. Others open up into an eternity that you fearlessly allow yourself to fall into.

Today is a good day. It will be longer than yesterday and it isn’t even over yet. I was at a huge party the day before yesterday; my first real party without alcohol. And it went ok. Having now slept twice since then, I can more clearly register how I am affected by not having had any alcohol. The first thing I did yesterday when I woke up was to scan what mistakes I did at the party: Did I disappoint anyone? Did I do what I was supposed to do? It was only later in the day that I realized that those thoughts were probably an emotional remnant of having woken up so many times with massive hangovers and having only the vaguest idea about what actually happened during the drinking session the previous night. When I realised that yesterday, I gradually began to feel more at ease. Maybe it went ok. Maybe I could simply enjoy the memories of a fun party. I started to think about what actually happened during the night and realised that I was actually enjoying myself for most of the time. It was ok to talk with people who were gradually getting more drunk. And it didn’t seem like it constituted a problem that I didn’t drink at all. I wasn’t the odd one out. But I also know that I was working hard to keep it like that. I was conscious about trying to be the best me that I possibly could. I would probably have left earlier if I could decide by myself but I didn’t want the host to think that I was bored because I didn’t drink. So I stayed for as long as I could and allowed several people to leave before I did the same. At some point, I hope to be able to be present at a party without having to be so conscious about that.

And today has been a good day. I have been out in sun and actually managed to relax and slow down the pace of my thoughts. I’ve enjoyed falling into the day and allowed it to last an eternity. 

365 blog posts make a lot of words

First sober party done!