Yesterday I took the blog online. Not that it was something that I meditated about for days. I also made the website yesterday. That probably says something about my attention to detail, I guess. I talked to my wife about it and she reminded me that the therapist I went to some months ago warned me about being too open about what’s going on. Not that it is bad in itself but that I might not be ready for putting everything out there. It is very likely that she is absolutely right. But I need something to keep me on track for this project. Otherwise I soon drift away and make excuses for myself. And reverse everything I have promised myself. Oh: And it wasn’t cheap to get the website so it would be really shitty to take it down so soon…
I have been abroad for two days visiting a friend. I knew this would be my first experience with self-discipline. And it was. First night we went to a bar with one of his friends. I can’t remember how it came up but already before getting there I had told them both about the situation: I told them that alcohol increasingly affects me in a negative way. I get depressed and my head gets into a state of permanent mental chaos, feeling of guilt and self-loathing. They are both used to dealing with their own mental issues so it wasn’t really a problem. Still, I couldn’t help worrying about actually sitting at a bar with a Diet Coke while they would get increasingly drunk. It turned out to be ok. Not completely natural but ok. I started buying a round of drinks: Coke for me and whiskey for them. And obviously when they reciprocated, they bought cokes for me. So I ended up drinking 3 cokes in less than 2 hours. It’s strange that it seems so much more weird drinking that amount of coke but not when it is alcohol. I mean: I had kinda stopped being thirsty after the first one. So, for the second night I decided not to get more drinks than I actually wanted to drink – even if it would mean not allowing them to reciprocate. But before then, in the afternoon, we went for brunch at another friend’s house. When we got there, they had already poured champagne in five glasses and were waiting for us to join them. So, my first interaction with them was: ‘no thanks, could I have some water, please?’ I know it is perfectly fine to ask something like that. And they were perfectly cool about it. But if you are struggling with a sense of selfesteem that is slightly below average and constantly wonder when everybody else realises what an idiot you are, then situations such are these can be critical. At night we went out to a bar for drinks. Same situation as the day before. I bought a round of drinks and had prepared what I would say when the gesture would be reciprocated. But fortunately we only had one drink and it never became an issue.
But then on the way home, I was again reminded why it is so important to maintain focus: We talked about getting together the next time I was in town. For whatever reason I said: ‘yeah, then we can go out for a beer or something’. The brunch friend (whom I didn’t know before today) responed: ‘so, you do drink beer?’ And I said: ‘sure, I am just talking some time off because the last period has been so intense’…!!
What the fuck was that about??? Why didn’t I just say that I don’t drink alcohol anymore? Clearly, it was more important for me that he was comfortable (which I obviously wasn’t) with the situation than me being honest about what was going on. So now I have to return to the same issue once more - if I ever see him again. I think I need to make up some rules for myself about what I can and cannot say. And perhaps even memorize some ways of saying it. Really annoying!
Anyway: I have decided to make 365 blog posts. And then hopefully I will be so fed up with my own bickerings that I will never have to talk about alcohol again.