Maybe this blog is not such a good idea...

I am not sure this is such a good idea... First of all: I hate blogs! I NEVER read them. Ever. In fact, I cannot think of one time when I have ever clicked on a blog post. The very idea comes across as self-absorbed, pretentious. And too honest for my taste... So here goes!!

I am a middle-aged man (46 at the time of writing), academic, and with pretty bad self-esteem (just writing that sentence made me cringe...). I have been binge drinking since my early youth and now I want to stop. For good. This blog is about my experiences of not drinking. 

18 August 2017 I woke up with a thunderous hangover and an exploding feeling of guilt. A weird sensation that I had done something horribly wrong during the binge drinking session some hours earlier. But I hadn't done anything wrong (well... at least, not as far as I can remember...). During the day, it got worse. In the afternoon I sat in front of my computer trying to do some work and I started to cry for no apparent reason (aarrgghh... FUCK! I am SO close to deleting this blog post...!!! Intimacy in writing is really not my thing...!!!). Anyway! As I was sobbing away, I started to google 'alcohol+depression' and I came across several articles discussing the effects of binge drinking. And just from my cursory reading (I did have a hangover and didn't bother to read it with much care), it was apparent that binge drinking can result in feelings such as those I was experiencing: a sense of worthlessness, self-loathing, moral anxiety - and a general sense of mental chaos... That's pretty much how I was feeling at the time! And sitting in front of the computer, I realised that I had been in this situation too many times to remember: Waking up after a long night of heavy drinking - at parties, social gatherings or even just at small dinner parties where I became waaaaay more drunk than anyone else - and feeling so insanely lousy that I really wanted to die. Not just because of the physical torment caused by the hangover but because of a deep and almost existential anxiety: something is fundamentally wrong and You! (note to reader: here I am talking to myself...) are the sole cause of it! It might be a worse feeling to cut off your own arm or to lose your keys but it was a pretty bad. So I decided to stop drinking. For good. 

I will try to be as honest (...the horror...) as I can. I can think of so many reasons not to do this project. So I should probably just get the site online right away before I change my mind...

When the words come out wrong